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Teaching your kid to ask for help

QUESTION

Dear Adele,

We have just finished the parent-teacher interview for our eight-year-old son, who is currently in Grade 3, French Immersion. His teacher said he was bright, social and currently an academic match for his peers. On occasion, however, he struggles, and does not seem to know how to ask for help. The teacher has suggested that we work on this but we are at a loss as to how to help. Can you comment?

At a Loss


ANSWER

Dear At a Loss,

How pleased you must be to have received a good report about your son at the parent-teacher interview. It sounds like he is generally doing well in school. You are fortunate to have a teacher to note areas that can be improved. Reluctance to ask for help is a common problem.

You might be wise to start by analyzing exactly why your son is reluctant to ask for help when he needs it. Sometimes children are overwhelmed by so many problems they don’t know where to begin. Other times they are struggling with new learning, sit in silence and the teacher doesn’t catch it. Occasionally, kids may be embarrassed because they missed a point or two in the lesson and need clarification. Children do not want to be seen as incompetent or ignorant. They might be concerned about what others think of them and need help to understand that it is what they think of themselves that is important. Once in a while, youngsters may feel nervous and uncomfortable to ask a question or raise their hands. They might be worried that they’ll be turned down, seen as weak or considered not very smart. Our societal value of self-reliance is very strong and may limit the child from seeking help, as well.

Your child may be experiencing one or many of these feelings in the school setting. Figuring out the reasons will help you design strategies to ameliorate the problem. It is unfortunate when these feelings exist because asking for help is actually a sign of maturity and strength. Asking for assistance can nip a problem in the bud so it does not get worse and result in lower grades.

You and your child need to do an honest assessment of his problem areas. Talking with him at home in an open, supportive way can help your offspring strengthen his own self-assessment. You can ask your boy about things like study time for a test, questions about his classroom achievement, and subjects he is finding difficult. During the conversation you can support him with affirming statements about his areas of strength. Let him know that everyone is imperfect and requires help at some time to move forward in knowledge. Perhaps you can give him some examples of times you have needed to ask for help and times you have given help when asked.

Try to use positive language and build self-esteem. Create a secure atmosphere of openness, curiosity and comfort with risk-taking. Let your child know that you are available and willing to help him.

Discuss with your child why teachers choose education for a career and what their job is. Identify helpers such as teachers’ aides, the librarian, a parent, a sibling, a relative, a friend, a neighbour, a tutor or a peer who might be of assistance with the subject areas your child is learning. Be sure your child knows that you and his teacher are there to help him as much as possible, whenever he needs it.

A Psychology Today article by Dr. Alice Boyes entitled ‘7 Effective Ways to Ask for Help (and Get It)’ lists some ideas to teach your offspring.

I have a few ideas for you which might work with your eight year old to help him ask for assistance in the classroom. They come mostly from my experience in working with this age group in the school system.

Jennifer Sullivan has written an excellent article worth reviewing entitled ‘5 Tips for Teaching Students How to Ask for Help’. A useful book for primary children by Nyasha M. Chikoware is called ‘Giraffe Asks for Help’.

Thank you for writing At a Loss. It is wonderful to see the cooperation between home and school happening in your family. It is a recipe for success for your boy in the academic setting. I wish you the best.

Sincerely, Adele


I'm looking forward to your questions! Email me at maryadeleblair@gmail.com and please put Heart to Heart in the subject line. Note that all columns will remain anonymous.

Photo: National Cancer Institute

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